Butterflies in Spring

When I was a little girl, hardly 7 years old, I used to run around in our back-garden trying to catch butterflies. During spring, there would a lot of tiny, grey-blue butterflies there, sitting on the daisies which spotted the fresh grass. I would slowly walk up to them and as soon as their wings would close, I used to catch them between my thumb and fore-finger, looking at them closely before letting them fly away.

Once I went there as usual and caught a butterfly. However, when I tried to let it fly away, I saw to my horror that its wings had broken. I let the poor creature loose, ashamed and guilty of causing its death and still am to this day. I was in fact so ashamed of it that I never even told anyone about my experience. I remember that day clearly even today but I do not know why. Perhaps it was one of the chains in our life which form a part of us. And to this day I have never caught another butterfly.

Reflecting about that incident I thought how vulnerable we all are, just like that butterfly. It was so easy for me to destroy it, even though unknowingly, and it was terrible holding its crushed wings. We all are exposed to the same degree of hurt. Often when we trust someone a lot, make them an inevitable part of our lives, they are the ones to hurt us. People who have been injured once try and avoid experiencing it again but it is quite impossible to hold yourself aloof from all forms of affection. Sorrow and joy are so interwoven together that life would be tasteless without both. If it were not bitter, we would not appreciate its sweetness, if it were not cold, we would not appreciate warmth. Each day teaches us something new, each experience makes us stronger.

Our weakness rests in those we care for. We call them our strength and yet they are the ones who represent the frailty of our emotions. We are like that butterfly, our wings are easily crushed by those who apparently care for us and by those we trust. The reason for this sorrow is because we have high expectations from the ones we love. How often do we say "I did not expect…" That one word is the cause of all the grief and it highlights our fragility. Why keep expectations? Why make yourself susceptible to distress, when you can easily avoid it by not anticipating anything.

It is hard, I know that, but it is the only way to safeguard our own sanity and our own mental peace. Even after knowing this, I sometimes find myself expecting things from others. It is strange, even after trying to school myself not to expect, I still do that! I think we all do exactly this as perhaps it is hard to detach yourself to such an extent from someone you love. Perhaps that is why I am hurt so much by those who mean a lot to me. Perhaps that is why I wonder how long before I completely break down? Perhaps someday I too will be like those crushed butterfly wings...